Update-ish Things

Okay, first off: I have to tell you, those of you that played the Flash-Fiction 2-paragraph game did an outstanding job!  Am-AZING work, y'all!  Thanks for playing!  And if you had fun, the LOML has a site just for this kind of thing.  She wants it to be a fun, creative place for writers to go when they need to loosen their writing muscles, slap their muse around, or just take a break from their projects.  That site is:

The Writers Nesst

She's going to work hard to make it fun, so stop by and get involved.  Tell people about it, too; if you know writers that aren't hanging around in other places and doing those sorts of things, let 'em know they're welcome and can come by.  They can make suggestions, too, if they have a favorite game or a good idea they want to share.  All are welcome, so spread the word!

Again, thanks for taking the time to play, everyone.  I'm going to repost what we've got so far and then, if anyone is still interested, they can add two more paragraphs to it in the comments section of the new post.  The old post will be closed to comments, but I'll add an update link to the new post.

If you didn't get a chance to play, don't worry -- like I said, it's still open, and of course, the Writers Nesst will be available too.  Make your presence known!

Now, as for me -- I've no more software to review.  I really don't.  Most of what I have to say about software has been said, but if you guys know about a cool piece of freeware that you want to find out about, let me know.  I'll check into it for as long as I have the Internet.  Drop me an email, or leave me a comment here.

I've added a contact block to my ever-growing sidebar with a new email address.  Reach me there if the mood strikes you.

My precious wife and I are still hacking through the edits of Ghost Hunters.  Most nights we do one or two chapters, but we've got a ways to go yet.  I think we just finished Chapter 29, so ... only 17 left to go.  Some of the chapters need more ... help, let's say ... than others, so it's hard to do a set number of chapters per day.  We try to do at least two, but lately, we haven't gotten more than just one.  Ahem.  That's a testament to my poor post-writing editing skills, unfortunately, but it's coming along.  When it's finished, it's going to be time to start putting query letters together.  Sherri, if you're still willing to critique and assist with the rest of the process, I'd be very grateful; but if not, that's cool, I know you've got your own stuff hap'ning.  Just let me know.  :)  Like I said, I'm not there yet, but it's coming.

While we're on the topic, I'll need critics and beta readers for the new, updated version.  Raga?  Interested?  Bryce, do you have time or interest?  Anyone?  I'll be looking for help with it soon.

Of course,  Witch Hunt isn't going as well as I wanted.  It's a harder story to write from the get-go.  There's a lot of plotting I have to do, and outlining isn't taking the priority it should.  Bryce's Text Tree program has been a Godsend though; if you're an outliner and haven't tried, it I recommend it.  Highly.

The good news is, I have some idea where the story's going for the immediate future.  I can probably (!) pen more of it before the end of the week.  Now, I've made that promise before, and you all see how it turns out, so I'm not saying I will pen more by the end of the week.  But I have a little path to walk before I run out of rope.

That's for those of you that care about Witch Hunt, of course.  All three of you.  :)

As for our personal situation -- nothing's changed.  Nothing.  We sure can use all the prayers and PPT you can spare us.  Please know we love and appreciate you all, and thank you for your support in our hard time.  It means more than we can say.

God bless, everyone.

-JDT-

Technorati Tags: random thoughts,blogging,life,writing

Still Not Much to Say ...

I still got nothin'. But I'm workin' on changing that.

I'm going to write something ... tonight. It will be up tomorrow. Shame on you if you don't follow your blogs over the weekend. What're you, a person? What, you think you gotta life or somethin'? Sheesh.

I may just do some flash fiction to warm up. How about a game? A two-paragraph game. I'll write two paragraphs. You follow in the comments with two more of your own. We'll see how many takers we have by Monday morning. I'll post the full story by Monday evening. Wanna play?

This is the sort of thing we'll do over at the Writer's Nesst when it's up and functional. LOML tells me it'll be soon, but she says we're gonna be rich and thin too. That magical "someday" never seems to arrive, does it?

Anyway, I'll have something for you. I promise. Something.

God bless, and keep praying for us, you all. We need it. We're praying for you too, just so you know. :)

-JDT-

Technorati Tags: blogging, life, random thoughts, writing

Ever Have One of Those Blogs ... ?

Yeah.  This is one of those entries.  You know, the ones where the author clearly has nothing, whatever, to say, but goes ahead and posts anyway.

I got nothin'.

I should be writing ... or maybe editing ... but I'm not doing either.  I should be relaxed and taking advantage of this time I have while I have it, because I'll regret it later when I don't have it anymore.  I just can't.  I don't have the drive, the creative flow.  There's not much going on in my head.  I can't do anything except sit and think about my personal crap.

I want to do something, but I've got nothing.

I'm more than halfway through the edits of Ghost Hunters now.  I believe they're going well; I think it's a much stronger piece now than it was before we started.  My wonderful wife has done a phenomenal job pointing out the areas of weakness and helping me get it up to snuff.  But we've done nothing for several days now, and it's my fault.  She's offered to work on it, and I just ... ain't there.

Witch Hunt is going stale right before my eyes.  I have a few more chapters plotted out but I've not written a word.  I don't know why.  Worry has a tendency to kill your creativity.  I do a lot of that lately.

So, I figured I'd write something else.  I haven't.  Maybe it'll happen sometime soon.  Goodness knows, I need that bright spot, that release in my life.  Hopefully the throes of this agony will ease over the weekend so I can get something down.  I feel like a completely useless lump right now.  And I hate that.

Toldja it'd be one of those posts.

Anyone have any interesting software I can review?

Thanks to all our constant supporters for your constant support.  We love you and appreciate you.  Happy Valentines day to all the happy couples out there.

-JDT-

Technorati Tags: blogging,life,work,writing,random thoughts

Quick Update

My thing at 10:00 a.m. this morning went well, despite the hazardous driving conditions. My thanks to all of you that prayed and supported me during that time. I won’t know how it pans out, but that’s another matter all together.

As for me, I’ve been doodling around with Linux today for the most part. I’ve downloaded a bunch o’ LiveCDs and spent some time today burning them. Some of them actually failed, just DOA. I think those may have problems with the image. I’ll download it again when I can and give it a second try … maybe. They don’t give CDs away.

So far the only one that goes off without a hitch is Mandriva. Fedora worked too, but not as nicely. Nothing has detected my wireless card, either. I can’t get on the network via live CD, so hopefully the actual installation will give me a better chance to configure the Windows driver with NDISwrapper or something. I hope. I pray.

Pff. I should be writing. I’m sorry, but that’s going to have to wait until tomorrow, y’all. I hope that’s okay.

I might have new fiction by then, or I may have more Witch Hunt. I hope to edit a couple of more chapters of Ghost Hunters too.

Oh, and I’ll try and give you more detail on what happened with my Linux try-outs later this week. If I have time between all the running around and writing I’m going to do. (I’m trying to pressure myself into being productive.)

Anyway, thanks to all, and God bless.

-JDT-

Rising Tension

We're getting into some tense times, now. Things are very dicey for us at the moment. Those of you that know our situation, I'm afraid I have to call on you again to support us, if you will, in prayer.

Tomorrow is another glimmer of hope. It's a thin thread, and we really need it. Tomorrow at 10 a.m. if you have time to pray, please do. I want to thank you all in advance for your loving kindness and suffering through posts like this one.

Our situation has to change, really soon. Really soon.

Anyway, I hope to have something less cryptic and depressing later. For now, I have to try and prepare for tomorrow.

Thank you, everyone.

-JDT-

Technorati Tags: life, random thoughts, work

Okay ... 24 Hours and a LOT of Tears Later ...

... my computer is back up and running again.

I had a major issue that occurred when I tried to upload a post to my Wordpress blog.  I got an error stating there was a problem logging in due to an RPC-XML issue.  I'd been testing some blogging clients and wanted to do a software review of them (which never happened, by the bye), but when I tried to post, nothing.

Being a technical support person, I did what came naturally to me.  I got pissed off, then acted rashly.  I assumed the blogging clients I'd sampled created the problem, that it was a local problem to my PC, and that I had to re-do everything.  I uninstalled Windows Live Writer and the other blogging clients.  Then I "cleaned" the Windows registry.  Then I rebooted, and tried to reinstall Windows Live Writer.

And it promptly failed.

I got even pisseder.  Yes, pisseder.

So, the error messages (or lack thereof) led me on a wild goose chase that had me doing everything from trying to recover my system through the Windows System Recovery utility to contemplating creating my own registry entries to address and re-acquire my lost beloved Live Writer.  Nothing worked, however, because like any good tech support person, I wasn't prepared for a catastrophic failure.  I tried reinstalling Windows (which left all my programs and data intact, supposedly).  It didn't, of course.  I wound up trampling roughshod over my programs and settings, and one after another things started snowballing.  Somewhere around this point, my beautiful and much more intelligent wife discovered it wasn't Windows Live Writer having the problem, it was Wordpress.  They'd disabled the RPC-XML apparatus on their servers for some reason.  But by then, it was far too late.  I was on a commit path toward having to do something both drastic and unwelcome.

After about three and a half hours of wrestling with the PC, I decided it was time to reformat the drive.

That meant moving my many gigabyte data storage to my wife's computer.  That also meant having to update, patch and secure Windows all over again, just like I did when I got it.  And it meant having to reinstall, reconfigure and worst of all find all my programs.

Well, it turned out to be a good exercise.  I had a virus issue a couple of months ago that left me drained, ticked and with a PC that was ... well, less than trustworthy in some respect.  The recovery process allowed me the luxury of leaving off the things I didn't want, knew I wasn't using, couldn't use and didn't like.  In the end, I recovered about 9% of my hard drive, and only have the things I really love installed now.  The recovery process from one of my writing programs (Page Four) was more tricky than I imagined, but it finally worked, albeit differently than it said it would.  After battling it out with this thing for about 28 hours, I've got my PC back up to snuff, my Windows files and Windows Live Writer are functional, all my beloved writing software is working, and now I just need the finishing touches to make it perfect.

On the downside the Patriots lost the Super Bowl, and that was more being pissed.  I do. Not. Want. To. Talk. About. It.

It's a long, long offseason.  But my computer is fixed.

That also means I didn't get any writing done.  Neither any editing.  I'm sorry all, I'll try and get back on the horse soon, but for now, it's ... well, I have other pressing matters to address right now, so I'll take care of it when I can.  I have Chapter 5 of Witch Hunt started, and should be able to finish that pretty soon.  I'll advise as events warrant.

It's been a nightmare weekend.  Please pray that things go better for us this coming week.  We need a break in our situation really soon.

God bless.

-JDT-

Technorati Tags: life,writing,computers,random thoughts,software

Couple of Things (Random)

Boy, I tell ya -- folks sure like reading what other people think about software.  My blog receives a fair number of hits based on people searching out reviews about some software or other.  Hopefully, the few things I've jotted down here have been helpful to them in making their decision.  I try to stick to reviews of software that's specifically for writing and the writing process, because I want to be a writer if I grow up.  But, I'm not opposed to doing other types of software reviews, either.

What kind of software interests you most?  What kind of reviews do you like to see?  I made at least one friend through a review of Windows Live Writer.  You never know what's going to bring people together.  What do you want to see reviewed?  It'd have to be something I can either download a free demo of or freeware, of course, but if you have any requests, let me know.  I'm okay with doing them.

On a different note, I didn't do squat today with either editing or writing.  That's bad.  I hope to have something for you before Monday next week in terms of new fiction, and if God is willing, I'll get back on a regular posting schedule with that.  If I get enough requests for it, maybe the software reviews will be a weekly feature I can do.  If there's enough software to warrant it, of course.

Other than that, nothing new is happening.  Still dealing with our crappy, scary situation, and I'm still calling for all the prayers and PPT things you can throw our way.  Thank you one and all for all your wonderful support, for sticking by us, for being friends and loving people.  We adore you.  I hope you know that.

I'm off to try and get something accomplished.  Maybe sleep. Woo!

God bless, all.

-JDT-

Technorati Tags: random thoughts, life, work, software, reviews, writing

Well, All Done

Today went better than yesterday in some respects.  I found out some things that were less than encouraging, but it did go better than yesterday.  Overall.

Tomorrow the process starts again.  *Sigh.*

Okay, for those who care, I'm about 1000 words into Witch Hunt chapter 4.  I'm not feelin' it right now, but I'm pluggin' along just the same.  Sorry for the long delay, and I hope to have something kicked out by the end of the week.  At this pace I can't promise anything, but I'd like to.

Back on my head.  Thanks to all for the outpouring of support, love and prayers.  If I had words to tell you how grateful we are, I'd write them.  I just don't.  Please know we love you all and are grateful for you.

Peace, all.

-JDT-

Technorati Tags: life, random thoughts, work

One Down, One to Go ...

Well, one super-huge event is passed.  It was okay.  Not as bad as I imagined it could be, but I probably could've done better than I did.  I just believe in honesty first, and sometimes that philosophy costs me.  I guess time will tell; I should have a definitive answer by week's end on this one.

In the meantime, I have one more to get through tomorrow.  A lot to do yet to prepare for it.  I have to try and figure out who it is I'm going to see.  It's also a long haul and after today, I'm not looking as much forward to it as I thought.  But I'm trying to go in with head and spirits held high and do the best I can.

For all of you praying and pouring yourselves out in support of us, please know we love you and appreciate all you're doing.  I really mean that.  We're so grateful to have such wonderful friends around us to get us through, no matter how things turn out.

I'll try to update again tomorrow when I get back.  By then I should have two things in the hopper; I won't know about either of them until the middle of next month or later, though.

Thank you so much, gracious people.  Maybe someday I'll have the honor of supporting you in  your hour of need.  I pray your hour of need never comes, though, and you'll have to suffice with my friendship.

God bless you all.

-JDT-

Technorati Tags: work, life, random thoughts

PANIC!

In about 14 hours, something huge is going to happen for me, and I'm scared to death.  Actually, the next two days are huge for me, perhaps the entire week.  I know for sure about Monday and Tuesday, but I don't know yet about what else may come.  But, tomorrow's big.

I don't know if it's good or bad; it's just ... there.  I don't know what I can do to calm myself down, but I had every intention of just writing today away.  I don't think that's going to happen, but I probably will edit some more of Ghost Hunters before I go to bed.  Trying to sleep should be fun.

I want to thank you all for your support.  If you're the praying type, please pray for me tomorrow at about 9:00 a.m. Central Standard Time (if you see this post before that, of course).  If you're not the praying type ... well, I'll pray for you then.  ;)

God bless, everyone.  Here's hoping something good happens really, really soon.

-JDT-

Technorati Tags: life, random thoughts, work

A Glimmer of Hope

I don't know if it's the light at the end of the tunnel or just the headlight of the oncoming train, but I see a glimmer in the distance.  I can only pray it's not too late for us.

Those of you who know our private situation know what I'm talking about.  Those of you that don't, well ... if you pray, please pray for us.  Things could be turning around, if God is willing.  There's a couple of things on the horizon, none of which involve being a famous and rich published author, but we're grateful just the same.  As with all things, there's always a catch, and it may yet come to naught, but at least there's a bright spot.

God bless, all, and thank you for all your support.

-JDT-

Technorati Tags: life, random thoughts, work

More Search Terms and Traffic Whoring

Well, after having a huge spike in traffic last week, I let myself drop off the blogosphere. I guess being a traffic whore just don't pay, especially when you're in an emotionally-draining situation that doesn't allow a lot of room for being funny, creative or interesting. My hit count is back to where it was before I started counting them. I'll miss you, readers.

So, I'll check the search terms that bring people to my various blogs and find interesting ones and post those from time to time. I'll try to do some software reviews, IF I can get a free copy, and I'll write fiction. Really, I will. I'm poised now to be able to complete the plotting and start outlining the course of the much-requested Witch Hunt. That looms large in my future, but I can't guarantee how often I'll post. I just want to do some writing before I forget how.

Search terms? Well, on the upside, someone did a search for List of Six, I believe, the program for managing priorities and to-do lists, written by my buddy Bryce Beattie. I did a review on it recently, which you can check out here. That's good; anything I can do to help out Bryce means a lot to me, because he's been a good friend, is one of the most generous individuals I've ever met, is a fellow writer, a father and just a plain ol' nice guy. Oh, and he writes very good software, too, so if you aren't checking out Baby Katie Media, you should. I love Text Tree, and would love to see that go mainstream production, making him wealthy. I think every writer should use it.

Anyway, here's another search term:

i darcness

Okay, not sure about that. When I do the search myself, I find ... well, myself. A lot. I named every blog I had "DarcNess", which is a play on part of my wife's name and part of my name. I spelled it with a "c" instead of the standard "k" because when I originally requested the handle "Dark Knight" it wasn't available. I got creative, and ... that's why I'm the DarcKnyt. Why the affiliation with Batman? I don't really know, honestly. I identify with the character ... a lot. He's a product of tragedy in his life ... me too. He's brooding, dark and is about a quarter of a tick from being a psychopath. Me too. He's trying to do good in a world of evil and help those overwhelmed by it. Me not so much. He's a billionaire. Me not so much. He's tall, handsome, strong and tuned to physical human perfection. Me not so much. He's got a really kick-ass car. Me not so much. He has a plane. Me not so much. He has a boat. Me not so much. He ...

All right, I guess other than being psycho and a product of pain and anguish, we don't have that much in common. Still, he's my favorite comic book character. It used to be Spider-Man when I was a lad, but now, it's the Dark Knight. Why?

Because there's nothing superhuman or supernatural about Batman except his bank account. Other than that, everything he does is done within the realms of his human capabilities. I admired that he made the most of what he could be, and I always identified with that.

I guess I'm still more in-line and in-kind with Frankenstein's monster. More on that in another post ... maybe.

So, for that individual searching for "I, DarcNess," well ... you found me. If you meant "I, Darkness" -- Google should have helped you out with that. If not, then leave me a comment and say "hey". I'd love to hear from you. :)

Have fun over your remaining weekend, everyone.

God bless,

-JDT-

Technorati Tags: life, random thoughts, search terms, software

The Edge

My amazing and brilliant wife and I were up all night.

That's nothing new.  We've been doing that lately; pulling all-nighters.  With the baby's wonky sleeping schedule and my love's inability to simply lay her head on the pillow and drift off, she frequently doesn't get her sleep until the gray rays of dawn penetrate the shaded windows.

We were laughing -- I was hysterically so -- about things.  Lots of things.  Things I'd written about mostly, but some of her one-liners are astounding in their impact and sophistication.  I'm sure the line "Santa with rum dribbling down his beard" doesn't make you laugh, but had you been there with us, it'd bring tears to your eyes and a stitch to your side.

While we spoke, trying to keep the laughter to a dull roar so as not to wake the children, she told me something about some of my writing.  It was stuff I did a while back.  I was experimenting with a new style, a new voice.  I wanted a particular feel, a particular sensation, to come from the stories.  To give it an air of authenticity, I chose historical fiction as my subject matter.  My own history.  I pulled stories of my childhood out of my memory and tried to spin them as I recalled them, but of course, they were only loosely based on reality.  I augmented and just plain ol' spun yarns when I couldn't remember the outcome or details.  In the end, I had a collection of stories I thought were hysterical, told part of my life that I can remember well and fondly (mostly), and of which I was proud.

The one aspect of failure that crept into them was, I tried to make them humorous and lighthearted.  She told me they had an "edge" to them.

That was her word: "edge."  I asked for clarification.  She told me it was a blackness, a dark overtone which, while the stories were funny, hung over them and made them darkly funny, not lighthearted.

This morning, with those same gray rays of dawn creeping over the ceiling and walls, she said it again, but she elaborated.  She told me despite my best efforts, I'd not created Norman Rockwell-esque stories.  She pondered, and stated:

"It's more like Norman Rockwell with a Stephen King edge."

I thought that was a perfect description of my life.  I couldn't have, in a million attempts, said it any better.  (I hate that.  I'm supposed to be the writer, dammit.)

I pondered that, and have been ever since.  I think, despite the attempts, my family missed Rockwell when I was growing up.  We ended up just west of Addams Family instead, except without the campy humor.

I really haven't given those stories much thought since I wrote the last one some months ago.  I started, and finished, Ghost Hunters instead, and it took me in a new direction.  I'm not sorry, but I don't think I'm going to ignore those stories and yarns gleaned and inspired from my youth.  I may revisit them someday soon, if I can think of any new ones, and try to see if I can recapture that voice.  It was a lot of fun, and I thought it had potential.

The image of Santa, slurring and sloshing around in his red suit, bulbous red nose fairly aglow with alcoholic rush, dribbling rum down his nicotine-stained yellowing beard will always be with me.  If only I could paint images with my words as powerfully as my beautiful, dazzlingly sharp and articulate wife did, I'd probably already be on the NYT best-seller list.

Way to go, babe.  :)

-JDT-

Technorati Tags: life, writing, random thoughts

A Busy Day on the Blogosphere

Well ... I can tell by my hit count the holidays are over and you're all back to your routines of reading and being read, sharing thoughts and catching up with fellow blogophiles.  (Blogizens?  Bloglodytes?)  It's nice to see you all again, and I hope your holiday season was happy, healthy, fun and safe, but most of all, richly blessed.

Those of you who never left already know I sure appreciated your company through the time.  It was fun to be so close and intimate with a few of you, and to spend quiet winter evenings, muffled by the snow, with you.  Sipping eggnog and brandy, Irish coffee and hot cocoa by the fireside in our comfy leather wingbacks, talking quietly in the deep stillness of the winter chill ... I can't think of any time more well-spent.

For those of you who are resolution-makers, what are they?  Have you written them down yet?  You should, you know; they become more real and less easily forgotten -- or forsaken -- when you do.  ;)

I just had my second-best day ever, in terms of page views, according my handy li'l stat counter here on WP's dashboard.  Thanks for stopping by, and for those of you indulging in the serial fiction -- I sure hope you like it.  It was a lot of fun to write, and I promise -- by all that is holy, I promise!! -- I'm going to continue working on a new one.  Maybe not the one I've started (because I've not been happy with its plot so far), but on something new, I promise.  Bear with me; the muse will return eventually.  She'd better ... the bitch.

Ahem.  Sorry.

So, anyway ... yes, I'm still sorely lacking in inspiration.  I've been trying to re-examine what I've plotted in my new story, and at the same time ask myself if that's the story I want to write now.  In the meanwhile, I've come to grips with the idea that I have something pressing on me now, something urgent, something I need to resolve really quickly.  It's urgent, it's critical and it's not going away.  It's not going well, either.  I have to take care of that issue first, before I move easily into fiction.  If I can get some things happening there, I can focus more fully on writing.  You know, relax ... create ... let the imaginative bowels move, if you will.  (Okay, that was yucky.  Sorry.)

Whatever turns out in these areas, I'm happy to see you all back.  For those who felt my last post was a little moody ... you're right.  It was.  I'm fighting depression along with a lot of pressure from life in general, but hey -- who's not?  I apologize, I wasn't trying to be a downer.  I hope you liked the prose, though.  It was as close as I may have ever come to capturing my emotional state in words.

Have fun going back to work, and we'll talk again soon.  I promise.

:)

-JDT-

Technorati Tags: life, blogging, random thoughts, writing

The End of Things

The heavy, slate-gray sky is wet and low, pregnant with rain. The water rushes with suicidal abandon at the moist sandy beach, the frothy foam-fringed waves casting like doily-draped seals onto the minuscule particles of silica. They are opaque against the crisp snap of the winter air as they explode into shards that roll and scatter up toward the land before collapsing in on themselves to retreat, regroup and surge the shore again, breaching upon the land in an unending dance made more dramatic by the gloom.

I watch the sunlight dying behind the sodden blanket of overcast that stretches to the horizon and beyond, feeling the sting of the mist on my face and the tears pressed from my eyes by the steady wind. It is never fully aggressive and yet unyielding, tossing my hair away from my face as I stare at the growing, gathering storm. I feel the pressure against the fullness of my body, pushing against me, a constant drag away, back, inland. The fading light retreats to dimness slowly enough for me to garner my thoughts and try to marshal my self control.

This is the last day of 2007. It's a time for many to take survey of what they've done, achieved, gained, lost, how they've grown, changed, regressed, stagnated. It's a time of taking stock, of inventorying things, personally and relationally, and a time for assessment. In that vein, I am no different than anyone else. At this time of year, starting around my birthday, I generally begin to look at my life with a critical eye and see what was done right, what wasn't; what needs to change and what I'd like to change.

So much. So little. Not enough. Too much. Abundance, want, plenty, need. A constant, spinning dance that never seems fully in step, in rhythm, in concert. There is hope. There is despair. There is longing, there is joy. There is laughter, ever tempered by the stream of tears. There is the constant questioning, wondering, pondering. Prayer and action, paralysis and frenzy, faith and worry and weakness and strength. So much. So little. Not enough. Too much.

There is change. There is stagnation. There is wonder, there is bewilderment. There is elation, there is sorrow. Friends lost, friends gained, life cut short and life anew. There is so much agony, so much ecstasy, so much to embrace and so much to reject, to eject, discard, amputate.

The wind gusts harder for a moment, trying to stagger me back, making me shift my weight on my legs to steady myself in the growing, impending darkness. I hear and feel the waves rise and fall, crashing and dashing against the shoreline again and again, rumbling in their frustration. The wearing will constantly nick away, chip away, erode away at the shoreline. The sound is so beautiful, like the most exquisite music, its major lifts and minor falls harmonizing in the rhythmic pulse of the sea. Eventually the shore is breached, a bit of it lost forever to the constant, relentless, inexorable sea, gnashing and clawing gently and persistently.

So much to do. So little time. So much languishing, so little rejuvenating. Aging, shrinking, the world growing dim. Faculties lost; memories forgotten, retreating into the recesses of the unknown. How much longer? How many more grains of sand, like this beach, left in the hourglass? I can feel the significance through my feet, my legs, thrumming through my body like the heartbeat that is fading in me. Each drumming tattoo taking me closer to the edge, farther from the beginning. The road is long and treacherous. We've no guide, no map, no navigator, no sextant, no stars. Only the clouds, swirling and threatening overhead, low but out of reach, ominous and beyond attack or retaliation. Mockingly near, tauntingly heavy, looming, beyond grasp and without mercy or malice.

I smell the salt air sharply, tipping my head to fill my lungs with the air, full of the sea. I hear the wind riffling through my ears, blotting out every other sound. My eyes drift closed, my mind emptied by the rush of the sinister storm filling my very being with the ocean it carries.

The end of the year. The end of things. I feel the mist on my face again, knowing something is there, in the dark, hurling the sea at me in tiny, invisible droplets that will try to leave me sopping and dripping. When the rain comes at last, my tears will be lost forever in it.

The storm is growing. The year is dying. The light is receding.

-JDT-

Merry Christmas to All!

I wanted to take a moment -- because I don't have anything else to do, and Christmas is about this sort of thing -- to tell all of you I hope you have a wonderfully blessed, happy and safe Christmas. May all the richest of blessings be poured out upon all of you, each and every one, and may your joy be increased and magnified greatly.

To Raga: God bless you and your family. You've come to mean so much to us, and we are so very grateful the network of digitized data packets routed over circuits and server farms somehow managed to bring you to us. If you ever decide to start a blog, be sure to let us know. We're going to bookmark it immediately, add it to our feed readers and Technorati favorites, pimp it all over our humble little corners of the blogosphere, and visit it every day to drive your hit count up. We love you, and I wish I could tell you what a gift you've been to me.

To Bryce: You've been a great friend, Bryce. I know we don't know each other too well, but I've really enjoyed the time we've spent exchanging comments, posts and emails. It's been a lot of fun to watch you hammering away at Oasis, and over the last few months I've realized how much fun I've had following along. Oh, and I think it would make a great Broadway musical. If Andrew Lloyd Webber can't do the writing, maybe you can get Clay Aiken to write it for you. He might even try to cover your mouth for you.

God bless you and your family. Your generosity has touched me, the strength you've shown has made me respect you as a person and not just a writer and blogger/webmaster/programmer, and you will continue to be in our thoughts and prayers. Know that you are close to our hearts.

To Dwight Wannabe: Thanks for all the great information and fun stuff you provide to wannabes on your blog, Dwight. It's really nice to know that someone cares enough about the rest of us nobodys to try and help us get along and get through, even if it's just with Eff-Around Friday fun stuff. We appreciate what you do ... even if you scare my wife a little.

To Sherri: I'm not sure what to say to you, Sherri. You've grown into a close friend for LOML and I think you're pretty terrific too. You've got your own special challenges and life's little hang-ups haven't ignored you, but you've still managed to form a bond with my wife that is something really wonderful to watch. Thanks for extending that hand to her, and to me.

To Stranger: You've been heavy on our hearts and minds for a long time now, Stranger, and we want to tell you how much we admire you. You're an intelligent, articulate and caring young woman, you're together and strong, you're wonderful. We think the world of you, and have nothing but the utmost respect for you. We're so glad you're doing better and now have found the culprit throwing you for a loop. And, we want you to know you are everything we'd love to be if we ever grow up.

And, to anyone that reads this blog that's not listed, or hasn't commented, and is lurking quietly in the background (if there are any of you): Thank you too. You're always welcome to speak, if you want. We don't bite. And I hope you've enjoyed what you've seen so far, and God willing, will continue to see. It means a lot to me to know you're having enough fun to come back and read some more.

God bless you all, and have a very Merry Christmas. You've made our holiday season special in your own unique ways, and that is a wonderful gift. We all humbly thank you for it.

-JDT-

Technorati Tags: random thoughts, blogging, life

Staring Contest

I stare at it, and it stares back at me.

It doesn't blink, doesn't flinch, doesn't twitch.  It just stares at me, taunting me, defying me, thumbing its electronic nose at me.

The room is darkened in the early darkness of the late autumn, the soft glow burning my retinas with its pale unconcern.  My fingers move to the keys, hovering, itching, ready to pound relentlessly, but nothing comes.  I rub my eyes with my fingertips, sighing deeply.  It's going to win again, something inside tells me.  It's going to win again, and I will have allowed another week to go by without anything remotely resembling a spark emanating from me.   I feel dry, suddenly tired, thirsty, hungry, antsy.  I drag my hands over my face and pause to stare at it again.

Not surprisingly, it's still blank, the cursor blinking steadily at me, flashing as if to double-dog dare me to put something on it.  I set my jaw, reposition my fingers ... and fall back into my uncomfortable chair again, trying to figure out why I can't put anything up there.

There is nothing inside me right now but worry.  There is nothing inside me right now but fear and the knowledge that yet another week is going to pass unproductively.  I can't stand it.  I turn away from it quickly, watching the absently running slasher movie rambling in the background.  It's not interesting and in a moment I spin around again.

There it is.  Blank, white, blinking ridicule.  I want to reach out and slap it, choke it, punch it.  I can't afford to replace it so I have to stare at it again, gritting my teeth in resentment.  I can't force anything out of my brain.  I wring it like a dishrag and it's bone dry right now.  I have nothing to say, nothing witty to pull from the memories of my disturbingly odd childhood.  I have nothing creative bursting through my skull the way that I did in August when I put together my novel over the course of 14 weeks.  I don't have the guts to use an idea or plot generator, and that feels cheap and beggarly to me anyway, like cheating.  I can't do anything except stare at that white, inexorable blankness.  I can't stand it, and I can't stand to be away from it.  If I try the guilt that I should be doing something, should be trying, should be working through the dry spell, consumes me.  When I try, this is the result.  I want something to spill out and I don't have anything to pour.  I'm empty right now.

It's not that I don't know why.  I do.  My circumstances have exerted such pressure on me that there's nothing I can do creatively.  Worry has consumed me and it's killed even the slightest inkling of anything else I may have had boiling in my skull recently.  I was excited when I finished my novel.  I was extremely excited, really.  I had grandiose ideas of a sequel, of carrying the story forward and doing a series of them.  I even thought I had an idea of what that sequel would be.  I wanted to access (and through the grace of a friend, did access) an outlining software to do the outline.  I discovered the joys of outlining as I progressed through my story.  I was outlining the individual segments (chapters? scenes?  whatever they were) before I wrote them.  It gave me a guideline to follow, a direction when things got a little harder to remember.  So I thought it was a cool thing to have available.  I thought maybe outlining the whole thing ahead of time would allow me the freedom to write along the guideline, never losing sight of the overall plot and still work in as many plot twists and things as I wanted.  So anyway, I had the outlining software, I thought I had an idea, and I thought I would write during this time.

I saw it coming.  I expected it.  This crisis isn't news to me.  I knew it was going to happen, and I faced it with hopeful optimism that maybe this time things wouldn't be as difficult as they were in the past.  So at first, I played the game.  I did the work I needed to do, thinking that any day, any moment, the crisis would end and my mind would be free to focus on the creation again.

But it dragged on.  One week.  Two weeks.  Nothing.

I didn't realize until now, though, that I never really had a chance.  I was so overwhelmed by what's happening I can't focus on anything right now.  I have too much going on.

That's the thought that I use to repel the staring whiteness in front of me.  That's the incantation I use to ward off those evil spirits rumbling and grumbling in my head, telling me that I'm too weak to put prose to screen, not good enough, not able to muster through this time of worry and anxiety.

Good writers write.  Weak writers let distractions drive them to blockage.

The thought frightens me a bit.  I stand up, stretching, trying to fend off the vampires of self-doubt with the crucifix of my own need to prioritize things, to allow myself to be focused on the immediate need first.  I've finished the one work, I tell myself.  I need distance from it to re-work it and edit it.  I need time away from it to be able to do it justice.  But that cloying, whispering voice, full of venom and spite hisses at me again, and I turn my head once more to stare at the daunting white screen of my monitor.

Good writers write.  Weak writers don't.  Which are you?

Which am I, indeed.

Technorati Tags: blogging, life, random thoughts, writing

Home of the Brave

What does bravery mean?

If you'd asked me that 20 years ago, I would have had some goofy answer regarding facing things that frighten most other people without fearing it yourself.  This is not bravery, however.  That defines stupidity, or at least a very poor understanding of mortality.

Granted, not all of us are afraid of the same things.  My wife is deathly afraid of spiders.  I don't like them either, and can relate to her phobia.  It's an irrational fear of something.  It's not rational for us to be so afraid of tiny creatures that don't really do much to bother humans.  Nevertheless, we are afraid of them and avoid and/or kill them whenever our paths cross.  But her fear is far greater than mine.

I'm an acrophobe.  I don't like heights; never have.  Roller coasters?  Forget it.  I can't even do Ferris Wheels, because my disdain for high places is so strong.  I freeze up if the ladder to get to the top of a house is too tall.  I could never hang Christmas lights on a house that was two-stories.  Heck, I may not be able to do it at all now, because as I get older, I'm even more cowardly.

But if being brave doesn't mean being unafraid when others might be, what does being brave mean?  I mean, most of us would never rush headlong into a blazing fire, but firefighters do it for a living.  They clearly seem unafraid of something that would make most of us soil our underwear, if we wear it.  So what is bravery, then?

I think, now, that bravery is doing what you have to do despite being afraid.

Each of us has our own private fears, things that make us cower and whimper and weak-kneed.  For some, it's some thing -- like spiders, for instance.  For others, it's some event or catalyst -- like public speaking.  For others, it's situational -- like being unemployed.  When we can face and understand our fears, they're easier to name and to label, box and package and maybe even address.  Some will say we "conquer" our fears.  I disagree ... I don't believe you can conquer all the fears welling up inside the human psyche.  I don't buy into the notion that exposure to something makes it less frightening, either.  I've had some pretty awful situations thrust upon me and my tiny little family, and while we managed to survive them and come out on the other side, we never "conquered" them.  If anything, I'm more afraid of them now, having been exposed to them, than I was before I had to face them.  That certainly wouldn't have gotten a passing grade in a college psychology class, but it's the truth, flat, bald, plain and simple.  I'm more afraid of something because I had to face them than I ever would have been without having experienced them.

And yet, in the face of our fears, we have to do things sometimes.  We have jobs that have to get done, whether that's a literal job, or place of employment, or tasks that face us, or something that has to be addressed during a time of great fear.  If you're in the middle of that blazing inferno and your child is screaming for help in the other room, you're going to find a way to overcome your fear(s) and get to the child or die trying.  If the spider can be dealt with no other way, you will find a way to squash/eliminate him somehow.  You have to do what you have to do, and doing that while you're afraid is the very definition of being brave.  At least I think so.

First responders rush up a building that's been hit by a jet plane.  That's bravery.  They didn't necessarily know the building would collapse on them, but they did know the jet fuel was burning like a crematorium and they went up anyway.  They did what they had to do even if they were afraid.  And I bet they were.

Bravery.  It comes in a lot of forms, in a lot of different acts and events every single day.  We may not always get to see it, because sometimes it's internal, but bravery is the heart of so many actions every day.

True enough, we aren't all "heroes" and go rushing into fiery infernos to save the lives of others.  Sometimes we just squash a spider.  Other times it's bigger, still others even smaller.  We do what we have to do even when we're afraid of the situation, the person, the circumstances or the thing.  Then we are brave, then we are courageous.

With those things in mind, I would like to tell you that I live in the Home of the Brave.  No, not the United States, though I live there as well.  The Home of the Brave, in this case, is the home that my wife has made for me and my children.

She is, without a doubt, the bravest person I've ever met.  She has faced more hardship and tragedy than any one person deserves, just in the last five years of our marriage.  It wasn't at my hands, but it wasn't anything I could prevent, either.  Time and again we were pummeled with situations beyond our controls, circumstances we could not escape, events unfolding around us we could not influence.  And in the middle of all of that, in the midst of a heart broken beyond reckoning, when it seemed even the least of our prayers would go unanswered, she moved forward.  She stayed at my side when she could have done something easier, something different, something less noble.  She chose to cling to me with every precious thing she had slipping away, being ripped from her fingers with no way to stop it.  She stood and faced the ugliness unfolding in front, behind and around her and she never once faltered, failed, slipped or collapsed.

She is the bravest person I've ever met.

I don't think that would have been my answer five years ago.  I don't know that I recognized her strength, her unwavering, unblinking courage, until very recently.  I don't know how many silent tears were shed under starry skies in solitude, how many times she gnashed her teeth and spat resentful curses at everyone and everything.  I don't know how much she wept alone in dark places away from prying eyes, where she would never have to explain.  But I never saw it even once.

I don't know what comfort, if any, she ever received from me during her hardest times.  I think I'm too shallow, self-centered and self-pitying to have noticed she needed it.  I was "dealing" with my own issues and feelings at the time, and God help me, I don't remember offering her a shoulder to cry on for her own solace.  I failed in every aspect as a husband in that time, and she never spoke a word against me.  She never once held a mirror to my weakness, to my pathetic whining and crying.  She did nothing but shoulder her burden without complaining and go on as best she could.  She never asked me for a single thing during that time, never asked me for a listening ear, never sought my understanding and caring.  She never did anything but be the supportive, loving spouse she's always been, the loving, caring, nurturing mother she's always been, and she was always the loyal, trusted, empathetic friend she's always been.

She is the bravest person I've ever met.

Now, the hideous head of our mottled, tumultuous past has reared again, and there she is, silent and stoic, facing her fears again.  She's doing what she has to do in the face of something that would probably reduce me to a quivering blob of nerves and worry.  Actually, it has done that.  She uttered not a sound, made not one groan of weary anguish.  All she did was sigh, and move on.  All she ever does is move on, and do the best she can.

She is the bravest person I've ever met.  The bravest person I've ever known.

The Home of the Brave?

Yes, I live there.

-JDT-

Technorati Tags: random thoughts, life, family life

Has This Ever Happened to You? ...

You come to work.  You sit at your computer.  You do your morning computer thing, which maybe involves a couple of things not directly (or even indirectly) related to work/business.  You know, you read a couple of articles in the online local newspaper, or ESPN.com, or something like that.  Maybe you have a blog and you're looking for a poster to answer, or you've posted a comment on someone else's blog and you want to see if they responded.  Then it happens.

You launch the page, and bam!  The site has been blocked by your company IT department.

That's what I discovered yesterday when I got into work.  I went to try and check on someone I care a lot about yesterday, and found that I wasn't able to.  I mean, technically I can, it's not impossible, but it's a lot harder -- and a lot uglier -- than it was two days ago.

It's an interesting development, because the fact of the matter is, I'm being watched.  I don't know that, out of the couple of thousand people that work here, I'm being singled out, but it IS interesting to note that these sorts of sites -- which have been generically classified as "Personal and/or Social Networking Sites" by the web screening software -- are now blocked.  If you were collaborating with a colleague on a blog, you wouldn't be able to do so now unless it had a private domain name.

That's fine, it doesn't stop me from actually reaching the sites, but it does stop me from being able to see the pretty formatting and pictures.  It's like the early Internet now ... everyone's headers are blue, the only font is TNR, and the only fancy formatting allowed is bulleted lists.  It's bizarre.  It's weird to see my own blog with my custom header and this weird, not-very-well-formatted page.  But, I can still, if necessary, see/read the posts of my friends and respond to them.  For the moment, at least.

So, if I seem unresponsive, or don't seem to be as talkative as I used to, please understand that it's not because I don't like you anymore, it's because I can't respond as I used to (if at all) during business hours.  I'll try to figure a way to get a message to you somehow, but please don't take it personally if it has to wait until my business hours end, okay?

I can't seem to get a message through to my DeviantArt page at all, so I'll have to update those folks when I get a chance.

What about you?  Have you ever been screened out by the company "Big Brother" of sites you've grown accustomed to being able to visit?  Why do you think those sites have been blocked?  Is blogging at the workplace really that big of an issue and time killer?  Have things gone too far?  Is this company just being extreme?  Sound off, blogosphere ... I really want to hear what you think.

Pretty soon we won't be able to use the bathroom until the company-specified break times.  Things are gettin' bad, and I want to do something other than the corporate dance so desperately I can taste it.

Maybe I'll write books for a living instead.  What do you think?

Technorati Tags: random thoughts, work, blogging

Too Long Away ...

I'm sorry for being quiet for so long, blogosphere.  I know you don't need my input to carry on, and I'm trying like hell not to be a traffic whore (thanks to Stranger for that term), but I'd started to garner a readership with my "Ghost Hunters" tale and I'm losing you all now (all three or four of you).

On the bright side, however, I have a job interview today with the company that I've been contracting for since November of 2006.  This is a big day for my family and me, because it's the first legitimate opportunity I've had at a full-time, salary-and-benefits position in more than five years.  Needless to say, we're gun-shy about getting too happy, but we have a bit of hope.  Our hopes have been dashed before though, so we season that with a grain of skepticism and realism.  The pay rate may stand as a minor barrier between me and the offer, but we'll see.  Wish me luck, y'all.

So anyway, stay tuned.  I have every intention of posting the continuing saga of JD, Dillon and Wendy tonight and hopefully a couple of more segments over the weekend.  If you've enjoyed the story, come back and keep reading.  And thanks for your patience.

-JDT-

Technorati Tags: life, writing, work