Friday, December 28, 2007

Dude, I'm Nevah Gonna Do It ...

Okay, so ... this guy is my hero.

Here's an "I'm up in the middle of the night and can't figure out why" list of 10 reasons why I want to be him:

  1. He lives in New England.  I wanna live in New England, and not just to be nearer my beloved Patriots, either.  There's the soup factor, too, y'know.   And the rest of the seafood.  Mmm ... seafood.
  2. He has a full beard, and people "respond to the natural grass."  Dude, I so know it.  I can't grow a full beard at gun point.  I can't do a lot of other things at gun point, either, but that's a big one.
  3. He has the classic New England accent.  If I have to have an accent, at least let it be that one.  Jeez.  Or the deep south.  I thought I'd make an awesome redneck, but ... nah.  New England.  It rocks.
  4. He's got the kick-ass sweatshirts.  Dude ... 'nuff said.
  5. He's a business owner.  It's a car wash he runs with his brother, but still -- how awesome is it to never be laid off?  I wouldn't know.  But I bet it's awesome.
  6. He's secure enough in his masculinity to admit that Tom Brady is the most attractive man on earth in his opinion,  who beats out Carson Palmer even when jaundiced.  I'm not ... yeah, I'm not there yet.  Sorry.
  7. He says "dude" a lot.  Dude, that rules.  Just ask Raga.  Chicks like guys that say "dude" a lot.
  8. He's got like an eight foot wingspan.  Just ask him.  That means he can bring down Devin Hester in a diner in less than 14 seconds.  And he thinks Peyton Manning looks like an aerobics instructor out there, waving his arms around.  "I'm not really changin' the play -- but this looks smaht an' cool, right?  Call my agent, I'm available for pahties."  Best.  Commercial.  Ever.
  9. He's got a blog dedicated to the Patriots.  My wife has a football blog, and she did it up in Pats colors (with a gentle bit of guidance from some artist she's sleeping with), but it's not a Pats blog.  Pats bloggers rule -- and they get paid, too.  I saw a job opening on one of the job boards for it.  I was so tempted to apply, but knew I couldn't dedicate the time to it.  Dude.
  10. He's on TV.  Again, 'nuff said, right?

So yeah.  He's my hero.  I wanna be Matty.

You go, dude.