Thursday, January 25, 2007

Some Thoughts about Superheroes

So, I was wondering … what if the Hulk has to take a dump? Can he fit that enormous caboose on a potty? Will the porcelain bear his weight? How can he flush if he manages? Isn’t that going to back the plumbing up?

Maybe he’s like the proverbial bear in the woods. If so, who’s job is it to clean that up?

What if Spider-man – or is it Spiderman? – needs to whiz while he’s chasing Doc Ock around New Yawk? Is that outfit equipped with a zipper? I don’t see one … and if he has to poop, does he quickly change back to Peter Parker? He can’t wash his hands afterward with those gloves on. Does the same stuff that causes him to stick to walls become a problem when working with toilet paper?

Why do Batman and Superman wear trunks over their costumes? I’d think their boys would get really, really pressed, cramped and sweaty. Yuck. That can’t be fun. No wonder Batman’s always brooding.

And what about diarrhea? It's a fact of life; all of us get it sometime. Doesn't it become inconvenient and a bit precarious to dress like superheroes do if you have the runs?

Does Wonder Woman shave her legs? Get the occasional bikini wax? Does she ever use the lasso of truth to tie up boyfriends? Do they tell her they’re afraid of her when she does? Do they inadvertently spit out that she’s not that great in bed under that lasso’s influence? What consequences would that device have in a romantic setting? Yeesh.

Does Aquaman produce bubbles when he farts? I guess he’d have to, but when do we get to see it? Also, what if he’s allergic to shellfish? Is that a problem for him?

What if the Flash decided to go speed dating?

If Daredevil is blind, how does he know he has his costume on the right way? How does he know it’s the right color? How can he tell if the logo on the chest is straight?

I noticed in the movie Superman Returns that Superman and Lois Lane had a baby. How was that possible? In the movie that preceded this one, a simple kiss made her forget who he was and a lot of things that happened while they were together. Wouldn’t sex have left her either comatose or dead? In a vegetative state? And wouldn’t Superman’s ejaculation have blown her head off? Seems like sex with Superman would be a bad idea, frankly. How did Superman manage to lift up an entire island made of Kryptonite? Isn’t he allergic to that? And how come a tiny sliver of it left in his body didn’t render him completely useless? Is he not as vulnerable to it as he used to be?

Men get an erection at night on average every 90 minutes or so; what if Superman does? Does he just sleep nude to avoid destroying his boxers/briefs/boxer-briefs? If Superman masturbates, does the friction produce heat and sparks? Can he cause a fire that way? Does he have to disable the smoke alarms in his house to keep from setting them off while pleasuring himself? Maybe he just refrains to avoid the whole thing. And what happens if he gets turned on while wearing his Superman outfit? That can’t be comfortable. If the suit is tough enough to withstand his antics, does it also ... contain him in those circumstances? And isn’t his condition going to be a little obvious in those blue tights and tiny little briefs? How embarrassing!

Who pays for all the property damage caused by superheroes fighting villains? Does that come out of the government funds, or do the taxes in the city go up to help recover the costs? Has anyone ever brought a civil suit against a superhero for destruction of private property? Does the superhero have to show up for court in his costume, or can s/he dress normally?

How do superheroes dress for weddings? If Wonder Woman and Superman get married, for instance, do they show up in their costumes or in wedding attire? Hmm.

When Wonder Woman is near her period, does PMS become a matter of public safety?

When does Aquaman bathe? Does he use soap? If so, does Greenpeace get in his face about polluting the oceans? What about his urine and defecation? Is that okay for him, since he lives in the sea? I bet someone would have a problem with one of US if WE did our business in the ocean.

If Iron Man has a weak heart, doesn’t he risk having a heart attack just getting that suit on and off? It can’t be lightweight. Does he have a catheter built in? There’s no way that bad boy’s coming off to take a leak. That could be a very long process indeed.

How come the bad guys don’t wait until the superheroes are in the bathroom to attack? Aren’t they pretty vulnerable when they’re doing their business? I know I’m not in any position to defend myself while I’m sitting on the pot.

Does the Rhino’s horn provide aphrodisiac effects like a regular rhinoceros’ horn is supposed to? Why haven’t poachers tried to bag him yet?

Does the Lizard have to bask in the sun to get his body temperature up in the morning?

Has Storm ever cost a meteorologist his/her job? Does she ever change the weather just to muck things up for other people? If she’s on the rag, would she cause it to rain on a sunny Saturday just to be a pain?

Can people that live where superheroes are get special clauses on their auto and home owner’s insurance policies to protect against superhero-related damage?

Why don’t superheroes ever go in for professional sports? They’d have distinct advantages, and it’s much safer. You can always battle super villains in the off-season. Imagine the money they could make. They might even be able to afford to pay for some of the damage they cause while doing superhero stuff. Wouldn’t that be a relief to the public sector and the civil authorities? They could finally stop raising taxes. Who can afford to live in those places?

Just some thoughts on superheroes.


1 comment:

Vanessa said...

This is why it's so hard for you to watch movies - you can't disable the reality factor in your brain long enough to set all that aside and just enjoy the movie. I seem to recall you wondering how "CatDog" went poopy too, so this isn't just live-action movies that hang you up, even in the animated world these questions plague you. And note I said you can't. It's not that you won't - you're simply not able. What you can do is lower your level of expectation - sort of like McDonald's. Human realities don't apply to superheroes, they live by different rules in all aspects. That's what makes them superheroes, at least to me. Frankly, it never occurred to me that Wonder Woman might get a period. She's Wonder Woman for a reason. She's a paragon of womanhood - all of the virtues and none of the vices, and none of the human conditions either. :) LTY