Saturday - Lord, please make my words tender and sweet ...

After I finished posting my journal yesterday, my wife read over what I’d written and she brought something to my attention that I didn’t think about until she did.

When people lose their jobs, it’s not funny.

I didn’t mean to poke fun at the people around me that lost their jobs. Certainly, there was an attempt at mirth and lightheartedness in my posting, but I didn’t mean it from a malicious or gleeful view point. I was just trying to show how funny things have been over the several months at work. The sad part is, I didn’t take in consideration that I’ve prayed for the women that lost their jobs since their release. I’ve been there – I’ve been blind-sided by termination that I never saw coming. It happened to me when the economy in the US was at it worst, and the devastation that was brought to us is chronicled in my writings on this and other pages on the Internet. I didn’t take any joy in the firing of those individuals, even though they’d been sources of angst and ire for me more than once. The reason was easy to identify: it was because it hit me too close to home.

I was cut too close to the bone, particularly when the second individual was released earlier this week. This is a similar transpiring of events to the way that I was released from the last permanent position I had, back in 2002. It came from out of the blue, unexpected and without warning of any kind from any front. It’s a sucker-punch to the gut; it makes you want to vomit, cry and scream all at the same time, but you can’t do any of those things. Shock steals any sound before you make it.

The terror that came on the heels of that blow is worse by far, though, and lasts much longer. It’s always there, waiting in the wings, lurking in the shadows just beyond your conscious efforts to push it aside and look at “the bright side.” It’s waiting for you when you sleep, and comes in nightmares and cold sweats. It steals upon you in the broad of day with anxiety attacks and sudden surges of realization that you’re out of work, there is no income, you’re not going to be able to pay your bills, etc. It begins to strike when the phone rings, or when the mail arrives. It sets in when any glimmer of hope in the form of a job interview or even email of inquiry is never responded to or even acknowledged. It’s there, waiting for you when you least expect it, or even when you are expecting it.

A young man working as a desktop support tech (for those of you that don’t know, that’s the person that shows up to fix your computer after you’ve contacted the help(less) desk and gotten nowhere) at the company where I’m now contracting spoke to me several months ago regarding his contract ending. He told me that his two-year-maximum term of employment would be up in August; I asked if he’d started looking (this was in April or May, I think). He said no, and that he wasn’t worried about it, really. He felt that, if the company didn’t offer him a full-time job, he wouldn’t have any trouble getting another one somewhere. The parent company from which this one spun off two years ago would probably take him if nothing else. He was completely confident, and very relaxed.

I spoke to him again in June, and he told me that he’d been informed his last day with us would be on August 25, 2006. I asked again if he’d started looking, and he said he’d been checking websites like Monster or Yahoo!, but nothing serious. He (still) wasn’t worried about it, he reiterated. I shook my head and told him how I admired his confidence; after 10 years in his field, I wasn’t getting ANY offers that met my salary requirements in the last 18 months. It’s the reason I’d taken the job I have; I didn’t really have any other choice, and it at least was in the pay-range I needed.

On Thursday, August 24, 2006, I saw him again. I asked him how the job search was going. He shook his head and grimaced a bit. He’d not been offered anything over $9 an hour LESS than he was being paid at this company. Oh yes, there were offers, but nothing that was equal to what he was being paid. I asked him about the potential for going to the parent company. He glanced up at me briefly and said that they were “trying” to get him in there. He hadn’t heard any more than that. I wished him well, and sincerely meant it, and walked away wondering how I could have communicated to him that I told him so without saying “I told you so.” I decided not to bring it up at all. I just resolved to pray for him, because I’ve been where he is and it’s a tough, tough row to hoe.

There are people in this company all around me being dropped like so much garbage into a waste bin. It’s true, there are a lot of changes taking place, now that the company has completely severed itself from the parent organization. It’s also true that they’ve re-evaluated the cost of running their IT department, and have decided that they need to cut costs and bring that expenditure under control. Other companies operating at this size and doing similar things have costs that are anywhere from half to three-quarters what this company is spending, and that’s a deep concern to the C-level management and, I’m sure, the stockholders. So things have to be done; salary and benefits is a quick and easy way to reduce budget, and it’s usually the first thing cut to get costs down. And so it’s going that way here.

Nevertheless, the circumstances and the pressures of those things didn’t really impact the people that were let go from our group the last couple of weeks. In fact, one of the people terminated was facing the two-year limit anyway. But she expedited her termination by being a problem employee and proving herself undependable and inconsistent with quality. Her position was sacrificed earlier than planned to the great and angry god “Budget,” but the truth is, it was going to happen anyway. My sorrow and concern for her was that she’d been offered nothing higher than $3 an hour less than what she was making in her position with this company, and she’d been turned down for more than one of those. I feel for her. I can empathize, but do not sympathize, because she didn’t take any effort to be anything more than a temp. She was, therefore, treated like one.

As for the second person, her circumstances amuse me if not the outcome. She brought all the havoc that befell her onto herself. She might have gotten away with what she was doing (see yesterday’s entry for more information) had she just remained quiet in terms of her pay. She was a chronic griper and complained about anything and everything. Her complaints about her pay is what triggered the events that led to her termination. She may as well have held up a sign indicating what she was doing; it may never have been found without her help. She offered nothing in the way of an explanation when given the chance to do so, and has yet to blame herself for what happened. The last communication some of my teammates had with her on Friday reflected only ire toward the manager of the department and expressed feeling that he favored men over women. They feel this is the reason they were released.

That’s terribly sad to me.

So, if I sound calloused about what happened, forgive me. I don’t mean to; it’s just that, while it’s not funny that two people have lost their jobs in under two weeks, it’s something of a bemusement to me. Someone losing their job isn’t something to poke fun at; the circumstances for these particular firings are a bit comical, though, especially the second person.

It’s not funny, but it is ironic.

I’m still praying for them, by the way, and I will continue to do so. I hope that any of you reading this will continue to pray for us, because the end of the year is coming.

God bless you all.
JDT

Friday - Here We Go Again

Well ... where to begin?

For the last 8+ months now, things have been pretty stable, I suppose. In the grand scheme of things, events in our lives have been interesting and sometimes fun. Most of the time we've had has been all right.

There were, however, bumps in the road. Of course there were; life wouldn't be living if there weren't, right? And there were times when things got more exciting than I'd liked, but that's life.

Let me give some examples:

• In March, one of the women that I worked with threw what I can only describe as a "hissy fit," much like you'd find being thrown by a toddler. It involved shouting, swearing, crying, statements like "I'm going home!" and "I'm not coming back here anymore!", and expletives that I wouldn't want to repeat even if I could remember them. The entire ordeal centered around the fact that she was refusing to do specific work assigned to her, and I questioned my manager about it, curious about how to re-route the work. It was determined that she couldn't refuse work, and that led to a discussion the following morning with another person in our group. This third person then confronted me, stating that if I had a complaint about the person refusing work, I should go to her, because she was -- and I quote precisely here -- "my lead." (In truth, I kind of believe she intended to say "my leige," but got tongue-tied in her frustration.) In this second person's loud and obnoxious confrontation of me, the first person (I really should assign names here to make this less confusing) overheard, and absolutely went ballistic in her ... I dunno ... rage? That led to the first person yelling and shouting about how I needed to keep my own "backyard clean" (I'm not sure to this day what the conversation had to do with yard maintenance, but then, I'm not that clever) and that I was immature (!). Yes, the person that was screaming, crying and swearing was accusing me of being immature. I think I laughed aloud, but I can't remember clearly. This led to a friend of mine confronting the second person (my "lead") about her laziness and poor leadership-by-example skills. He said things that had been on his mind for a while about this person, and it reduced her to tears. So now, we have two team members crying and swearing, hugging each other and trying to calm one another down, and my friend fuming, all because someone refused to do work that would have taken seconds to do. Go figure. As a side note, my friend ended up fired about five weeks later.
• The tantrum woman was scheduled to complete her 2-year-maximum contract (she's a temp -- there's a surprise for you; what, no one will hire her? Why not?) in October. Back in June, my manager went to her and told her to find a job; she needed to do that, because there was no way in hell he was going to offer her a full-time job. All the rest of us knew is that the person that claimed to be my "lead" was really pushing hard to have her brought on full-time, and had to be told flatly that it just wasn't going to happen. Two weeks ago today, my manager pulled tantrum-woman aside and told her that, due to budget cuts, her contract was going to be canceled early. Early, as in, next Friday's your last day, so see ya. She took it pretty well; there were no fits or tantrums, though we had a pool going. The following Monday, she came to work to find that the company had determined she was a "security risk" and had locked her account. She was sent home later that morning (before I got there unfortunately) and told not to come back. My understanding is that she received the full week's pay.
• This past Wednesday, my "lead" was called into the HR office for a short-notice meeting with the HR rep for the IT group and my manager. She walked over to one of my team mates and joked, "Gee, a meeting with HR; do you think I'm being canned?" She never came back that day; at 9:05 a.m. on Thursday, our team was called into a conference room to be told that, for undisclosed reasons, my "lead" had been released, and we had to decide how to re-allocate the work she did. More on this later, maybe.
• Back in July, we were told that there was no more overtime available. Our budget had been cut, so the team lead position (which evidently wasn't filled by my "lead" after all) had been eliminated along with overtime. Our manager apologized profusely, but reminded us all (as he oft does) that it was better than being fired. When my "lead" wasn't able to log "overtime" anymore, she went to the manager and complained about her pay. He, in response, called the HR office and had her payroll records pulled. After showing my "lead" that she had, in fact, made a good sum of money for the amount of things she actually does and contributes to the group, he noticed that she actually made a good sum of money for any work she may have done. He got curious. He wondered how she'd made that much money. He looked at her time cards. He found that, for as far as he could get records, she'd been stating on her timecards that she was coming in at 5 a.m. He then starting coming in at 5 a.m. to see for himself. We have someone on our team who's been coming in at about 5:15 a.m. every day for Lord knows how many years. He asked her about the "lead's" start time when he didn't come in at 5 a.m. You know what he found? That my "lead" hadn't ever come in at 5 a.m., but had been saying she'd been doing so for no less than the last three months, and perhaps much, much farther back than that. Manager calls HR; how can we investigate this? HR says by the card swipes that grant building access; a security card is used for building access, and the machine records the time of each swipe. At any time before 8:00 a.m., there really isn't a lot of foot traffic into and out of the building, so it's not like you can get through the doors with someone else's card swipe. HR calls the manager; we have the card swipe records for the last 90 days. My "lead" has logged no less than 17 hours of time she didn't work in one 30-day stretch. Manager says, how can we verify that she didn't make the time up on the end of her day (even though she hasn't left after 1:30 p.m. at any time since I've been with the company)? HR says, we can pull the logs from the servers that show when she logs out. Know what they found? Of course you do. On Wednesday, 23-Aug-2006, my "lead" is called into a short-notice meeting with HR, and see above for more information.
• I found out that I have a "golden record" with my boss's boss. That's a good thing, but no permanent job offer has been made yet.
• I have no pending job offers that I'm even remotely qualified for currently.
• I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life after 31-Dec-2006, which is as far as I have "assurance" of going. As far as my manager can foresee, no more personnel cuts are going to be necessary. As far as he can see. He wants us (the temps, or "contractors," as they like to call us) to be "comfortable coming to work here," but adds (quickly) that he "can't promise anything."

Okay, that's all I can think of for the moment. Except for these overly-eventful items, things have been -- well, uneventful. That's good. The children are healthy, the parents are packing to move again at the end of Sept. (to a bigger -- and thus more expensive -- apt.), and things are generally good.

But the weather is cooling; the autumn is coming. After that, winter. And then year's end.

To be continued ...

Sunday ... Relief and Joy!

Okay, so ... my apologies to all who've followed this saga, I should have updated the journal sooner.

It's finally over. I have a job. On Monday, December 12, I went to a second interview (see the Dec. 9th journal entry if you're curious). The interview went well, but really didn't have a technical aspect. I think that, after 10 years of doing this, these folks seemed to sense that there was nothing technically that I haven't seen yet. So, they wanted to ask me about the other aspects of the job.

It's probably been 15 years since I've been hired on the spot, in the interview. It was really nice to have that happen again, and be able to share that with my wife. My son doesn't quite get it yet, but he understands that I won't be here during the day anymore. He's okay with it ... but gosh, I'm going to miss him.

At any rate, I'd like to thank all of you for your ongoing support and prayers. Your kind words during this time have meant more than I can express. And your prayers were answered.

God bless each and every one of you. If there's ever anything I can do for you, I hope you won't hesitate to call upon me. I am eternally grateful.

-JDT-

Friday ... A Glimmer of Hope

Friday … A Glimmer of Hope

I spent my afternoon today in pursuit of a job.

That doesn’t sound very productive, does it? In actuality, I’ve been pursuing every opportunity that came my way over the course of the last several weeks, but I haven’t really had any serious offers to tender until recently. One of them is a contract-to-hire situation, which is a fancy way of saying temp-to-perm, but when you’re an IT professional, those terms aren’t used. So it’s a possible full-time, permanent job, the first I’ve been offered in more than three years.

However, that one hasn’t panned out very well. I haven’t heard anything about it, so the possibility seems vague and dim. I was excited about it, but if it’s not going anywhere, I have no choice but to pursue other options.

The second is a long-term contract -- my understanding is 12 months with the possibility of extension. So, over the last week or so, I’ve made the necessary motions to get that taken care of and line up the ducks. I’ve seen the recruiter for our face-to-face meeting, and at last, I had my interview for the position today.

I should be happy about it, but in truth, I’m just concerned. My original scheduled interview was Tuesday, but it was cancelled because the hiring manager was ill. No problem; I set up a new interview for today at 2 p.m.

The client is a large, multi-national corporation with several buildings in the area. I was to go to one that was actually a rented space within another company’s building. I was to go to the receptionist, ask for the manager and wait in the lobby. Simple enough.

When I got there, I arrived with about 20 minutes to spare. I didn’t know if there was some paperwork, application or something like that, which would have to be filled out before the interview. I didn’t want to hold the meeting up by having to fill out paperwork and having it take longer than it should, so I got there with time to spare. I saw the receptionist and was sent to a reception phone that was specifically for the company; I dialed the number and got the interviewer’s voice mail. I left a message, and sat down.

After about 20 minutes, the receptionist asked if I wanted to call again. I told her no, that the manager had another interview before mine, and it may have run a bit over. In 15 more minutes, though, I realized something may have been missed. I knew that he’d had to cancel one meeting already; it was possible he’d not yet returned to work and that I hadn’t been told. So, in my best professional voice, I left a second voice mail.

I waited a few more minutes, then contacted the on-site IT manager for the recruiting firm. I told him what was happening -- or rather, what wasn’t happening -- and he explained that the meeting that was to take place at 1 p.m. hadn’t happened either. There was a mad scramble to locate the hiring manager, and try to straighten things out. I told him that I would be there for another five minutes or so, then I would leave and we could reschedule for more convenient time.

Well, long story short, the man wanted me to come to a different location. It was only a short distance down the same street, but still … what was wrong with the original arrangement? So I capitulated, and drove to the appointed building. I arrived directly behind the interviewer. He greeted me, when he found out who I was, and apologized for the confusion. He also informed me that he had one person ahead of me (who was also standing there), and that he would meet with me immediately upon completion of that interview. He escorted me up an escalator and then asked me to sit in a small seating area in the middle of the hallway.

I watched people and looked at the building for several minutes when I noticed them coming back. They caught my gaze. “We’re still looking for a room,” the interviewer called, trying to sound joking. After another few minutes of pacing about, he and the interviewee settled into the seating area some fifteen feet away from me. There, in the middle of the hallway, he conducted the interview.

At first, I was uncomfortable with that idea; there were to be questions asked, information gathered, things said … who knew what was going to be overheard? When it came my turn to interview, however, I realized I had nothing to fear.

The conversation was brief; I was with him for perhaps 30 minutes, while he went through his background, some background on the company, described the position and the tools used (customized for his group by some other group), and that was it. There was no questioning my background, there was no technical quiz to be answered on the fly, there was no “how would you handle this?” type of questioning … nothing.

I left without knowing, and still don’t, how that interview went. It was brief … it was less than professional … and it was confusing. But I remain optimistic.

I hope that those of you who pray will continue to do so. Those of you that have wished us well and supported us, thank you too. God bless you all.

-JDT-

Monday - Once More into the Breach ...

When I was a child, I remember seeing my father, and thinking that he always looked so sad.

It took me years to finally figure out why he looked that way, but eventually I did. I think most of us, though by all means not all of us, don’t necessarily want to acknowledge the ugly truths in our past. It’s especially difficult when we have to face the failings of those for whom we are taught not to find fault. Our parents are somehow above all the things that make people human. It’s only mortality that makes us face the fact that they’re human.

In general, but not always; some of us have to deal with the fact that they’re not only human, but very flawed ones, well before that. I am one such.

I realized my father looked sad because he was always struggling financially, emotionally, and eventually medically. He was fighting an uphill battle against a foe he could not defeat, and would not retreat from for whatever reason(s). He looked sad because he was sad. He was sad that his life had gone the way it did without, at least in his mind, any recourse for him to take.

In August of 2002, my wife and I suffered a traumatic event in our lives that would change it forever. At first, we felt that this was a fresh opportunity, a new chance to do things with our lives that wouldn’t have been possible before. We soon learned, however, that this was not the case. It was a cataclysm of unparalleled proportions in our life together and it left only ruins and wreckage in its wake like a tsunami. While the devastation was initially only financial, it soon spread and left us emotionally and mentally wounded and reeling. It left us physically drained and exhausted, and it would be years before we began to recover.

Before that recovery began, we were treated to horrors in the name of "love" that I can't begin to describe. We were stripped of everything we had materially, and stripped of our dignity. We were accused of being liars, and thieves, of abandoning our children, of seeking a way out of debt into a "new lifestyle." We were accused of not trying to resolve our situation though we suffered devastation and financial hardships trying. We were accosted at every turn, chased and eventually run out of our only "refuge" into the world. Those circumstances left us with nothing and no one to aid us.

Through it all, we tried to have faith. Repeatedly, that faith failed us and left us falling into the chasm that opened beneath us.

We finally felt that, despite the awful losses we’d been dealt, we could endure and that our lives were getting back on track in May of 2004. That never really manifested, though, and we are now once again staring into the face of the same overwhelming forces that nearly destroyed us before. What little support structure we had in years past is gone now, and should we fall, the fall will be much longer, farther and greater than before. We have absolutely no safety net now.

I sit and live my life in fear, and each moment that goes by is spent battling those palpitations of my heart and pulse that shoot burning harpoons of adrenaline coursing through my veins. I sleep fitfully, listlessly, and without rest. I can’t relax and just enjoy myself, because the future continually becomes the present and thence past, with each clock tick bringing doom closer to my doorstep once again. And I hear my son’s voice as he plays, and watch my infant daughter as she sleeps, and wonder for how much longer that will be my privilege. And I become very sad.

I wonder if one day soon, my children will look back on life and say, “My father always looked so sad …”

If you're praying people, pray for us please.

-JDT-